


someone who could hear the only words that I'd known

by animalSaint, FreezingKaiju



Series: Femslash February 2021 [2]
Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bodyguard, Anxiety, Bodyguard Romance, Crossdressing, Dysphoria, F/F, Femslash February 2021, Hurt/Comfort, Trans Female Character, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:55:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29149299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/animalSaint/pseuds/animalSaint, https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreezingKaiju/pseuds/FreezingKaiju
Summary: A valentine's party, an attempt at subterfuge, a misfire, a getaway drive.Happy Asurei Day...TWO!
Relationships: Ayanami Rei/Souryuu Asuka Langley
Series: Femslash February 2021 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2161182
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	someone who could hear the only words that I'd known

It's a pretty good night, Asuka supposes. She never had much fun at these kinda things. Too much work to say the  _ exact right words _ and worry about what all these people think of her at the same time. Eugh. At least she's not alone this time. She's here with Rei Ayanami, her bodyguard and friend, currently acting "boyfriend/fiance" (Asuka keeps flipping between the two titles). At least  _ she's _ someone Asuka can actually trust (and whisper commentary to). Rei looks pretty damn good in a suit, actually, though she looks tense and  _ distinctly _ uncomfortable. Come to think of it, she's barely spoken to anyone besides Asuka.  _ Guess she doesn't like large groups of people. _ That comes as no surprise. 

Nobody suspects anything off about the two of them, at least not that Asuka knew. Seems like everyone thinks that they're actually together. Good.  _ Good. _

Mind you, it's not like Asuka actually wants that, or lies awake thinking about it for some reason, it's just a... a public appearance thing. Didn't have the time to go out and find a guy to go with. Yeah. well, they're here, and things are going relatively smoothly. So far, anyway. Asuka's locked in some stupid conversation (i.e. monologue) with some random old lady about something-- ...what was it? bread? Asuka isn't paying much attention-- when she feels a tug on her arm. 

"Wh-- hm?" Asuka turns, greeted by a familiar shock of blue hair.  _ Rei. _ Her face is as neutral as it tends to be, save for the occasional twitch, but her eyes are brimming with... something Asuka can't exactly pinpoint but knows isn't good.  _ Is she okay? She didn't hurt herself, did she? _ The questions race through her mind and form on her tongue, dying to escape, but she manages to hold them back, just barely. Asuka can't make a scene out of this, for Rei's sake.

In better circumstances Rei could be enjoying Valentine’s Day. Not that she’s ever had reason to, or anyone to swoon over...but she could be eating candy somewhere, alone. And not disguised as a man at the stuffiest party she’s ever been to, drowning in dysphoria, sweat, and  _ red _ .    
_ Asuka needs me, _ she reminds herself, but...even being so near to her... _ friend _ , even though the thought of a romantic outing with her for some reason makes her pulse quicken (not helping at all in the situation)...it isn’t enough to escape the misery. Her hair feels horrific, crusted and confined to look short and manly. She feels each ‘he’, each ‘handsome’ and ‘man’ directed at her as a dagger in her spine. Despite Asuka by her side, it’s getting lonely. It’s getting hard to breathe. So Rei, gentle as she can, reaches over and tugs just so lightly on Asuka’s arm. Just enough that she can be ignored, brushed off in favor of whatever conversation Asuka’s busy with. She deepens her voice, and utterly loathes how it comes out.  _ Who _ it comes out sounding exactly like. 

“My dearest, it is quite hot in here, is it not?”

Asuka blinks a couple times before she catches on-- it's hot in here... Rei needs fresh air. 

"Uh, yes! Very!" she says, a bit too loudly, not tearing her eyes away from Rei. "Excuse us, please," she mutters hurriedly in the general direction of the conversation. She takes Rei's hand, inviting her to lead Asuka wherever they're going. Outside, most likely. The possibilities bounce around in Asuka's mind-- maybe Rei isn't feeling well? Or it really is too stuffy in here and she needs to go outside? Not too likely, unfortunately; Rei's grip is shaky and oddly sweaty-- yeah, something's upsetting her. Asuka's not sure what, but the idea of something here making Rei upset makes Asuka's stomach twist itself into knots.  _ Asuka's _ the one who brought her here, after all.  _ Asuka's _ the one who should make sure Rei is okay. as soon as they're out of earshot of everyone else, the questions come out. 

"Rei, are you okay? What's wrong? Did someone say something?" Asuka's fist tightens. "If someone said one damn  _ word _ about you I swear I'll--" she clips herself off. One look at Rei's face says that now isn’t the time to get pissed.

_ I am okay, all I require is fresh air, _ Rei tries to reassure, but the words stick in her mouth, curdle. She has never been a skilled liar. Truly she has never been a liar. Rei Ayanami has always been an intensely direct person. She loosens her shirt collar with a finger. It is digging into her neck, cutting her off even further. “E...everyone,” she manages to choke out, still in that horrible fake voice. “Everyone’s words have hurt.  _ This _ hurts. I had thought it would be easy to bear, but...” she takes a shallow breath, eyes completely averted from Asuka’s own. “I am weaker than I thought.”

Asuka's brow furrows, betraying her confusion. "Weaker...? Rei, what're you talking about?" 'Weak' is not something Asuka has ever associated with Rei-- maybe Asuka thought of her as "too damn quiet" and "dull" at first, but never  _ weak _ . Asuka still doesn't know what Rei means by it-- just that people have been talking about her. The knot in Asuka's stomach tightens until it feels like she might burst. "Rei..." Asuka's voice cracks as it trails off. She raises a hand slightly and holds it there, debating whether she should touch Rei, offer some kind of comfort, or if Rei might explode on her if she does-- not a very rational fear concerning Rei, but a fear nonetheless. She wants to ask a million questions but they all die tangled in the back of her throat. She wants to say a million gentle words but she never learned how to be tender.

Realization hit Asuka, both something wonderful unraveling in her chest, pouring out warmth, while something else simultaneously punches her in the gut and turns her feet cold.  _ Is she... Mein Gott, what did I just fucking do? Rei I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry-- _ "Of course you are!" Asuka's voice is marked with no hesitation, but it's thick and hoarse, full of apologies upon apologies for something she isn't even completely sure of. 

Rei hasn't even directly made reference to being trans, to being like Asuka, but Rei's eyes alone told her just how much this... this  _ masquerade _ hurt her.  _ How much I hurt her. _ Asuka feels like she might implode. "Rei..." she says that name again. she wants to ask, she wants to know, but her voice fails her, blocked by the emotions bubbling up from her chest that curdles her attempts at coherence. She curses herself for being so  _ stupid, _ for dragging Rei into this bullshit in the first place, for being so... so...

Her name, and that realization, rip a gaping hole directly through Rei’s core. in the place of whatever there was, an odd sensation fills Rei, jams itself into the spot her greatest insecurity had made its home. warmth, but something more, some sense of correctness, of wholeness, of a piece of Rei’s self clicking into place. In the eyes of Asuka Langley Soryu, Rei is and always will be Rei Ayanami. “...Thank you. Thank you, Asuka...” Rei desires to close the distance between the two of them.

The sound of Rei's voice thanking Asuka soothes and burns all at once.  _ I don't deserve thanks! Not when the whole reason you feel like shit is because of me! _

Asuka clenches her fists, swallowing back the urge to cry. This isn't about Asuka-- Rei's the one who's been hurt, Rei's the one who needs comforting. As easy as it is, falling into a pit of her own self-hatred and guilt isn't going to make Rei feel any better-- in fact, it might make Rei feel worse. 

Asuka can't do that. 

Not to Wonder Girl. 

So Asuka moves forward slowly, towards Rei, fervently hoping she won't fuck this up as she lifts her arms and wraps them around Rei, gently, like Rei is the most precious thing on this earth. And maybe she is. 

She buries her face into Rei's shoulder, hoping the fabric would muffle her shaky breathing. "I'm sorry I dragged you into this, Rei," she huffs out. Apologies never came naturally to Asuka, her pride kept her mouth shut most of the time, but she  _ needed _ to apologize to Rei, needs to let Rei know she regrets hurting her like that.

Slowly, steadily, Rei brings her arms around Asuka. She never had a moment before, to appreciate how soft she is, how much she projects a...an aura, maybe, of  _ sharpness _ , as if her body and mind were knives standing on hackles at all times. Rei knows she herself was more of a brick wall, but...if Asuka can lay down her everpresent blades like this, Rei can soften, can bare some cracks and holes in turn. "...Thank you. the fault...does lay somewhat with me, this was my idea, but..." Rei sniffles. something must be caught in her eyes. "thank you.”

Asuka exhales deeply, the heat of her own breath warming her face. The guilt is still lodged in her chest, not willing to budge. She holds Rei tighter, like that will push this pain out of them both and dispel it into the air where it will disappear forever, never to be seen again. It doesn't of course, but it soothes Asuka to have Rei this close. She can only hope that it helps Rei, too. 

"I guess," Asuka sniffs, "but still... I-- I guess I was so excited to go with you, I--" Asuka cuts herself off quickly and stiffens.  _ Jesus, what am I saying?! _ That betrays too much at once, but Asuka doesn't know what to say to change it or take it back. She can only hope Rei doesn't comment, which she doesn't. "Rei," Asuka starts again, "We... we don't have to stay here. we can leave. we can do whatever you want." Asuka doesn't give a shit about this party anymore; she'll absolutely drop it all for Rei's sake. If Rei doesn't want to be there, neither does Asuka. no questions asked.

Rei spares a thought for a moment to why on Earth Asuka would have been excited to go with her, to do something like this with her, then files that thought away for later examination. Asuka is here. Is holding her. Asuka...Asuka has offered whatever she wants. 

What  _ does _ Rei want? 

“I want...” Rei begins, attempting to stitch together some coherent request, “I want to take off one of these bras. I want to wash the gel out of my hair. i want to leave, to leave and go...” 

Home? 

Her apartment? 

No. 

The night is young and so are they, and Rei desperately wants to make this night worth remembrance. 

“...And go to...a diner. Somewhere. Share a meal, just us.”

Asuka smiles against Rei's shoulder. She can salvage this night after all. maybe this won't be the shittiest Valentine's Day ever. 

"Sounds good to me," Asuka says, still smiling. She leans back, regretfully breaking their embrace, but they have to if they're gonna go anywhere. "C'mon, let's get you cleaned up." Asuka takes Rei's hand. Gently. It occurs to Asuka that she's never been this gentle before, not in the string of failed dating attempts that lasted no more than a month at the most. Not with herself, even. It's not something she should be thinking about right now, though-- there's more important things to do, like figure out where to go to for their...  _ Valentine's Day Friend Activity. _ Yeah. 

Asuka leads Rei back through the back door and immediately makes a beeline for the women's restroom as quickly as possible. She pushes open the door and lets Rei in first before letting it close. It's just Asuka and Rei again, it seems; the bathroom is otherwise empty.  _ Thank god. _

Rei does not want to think about what implied scandal there will be, about Asuka’s date getting rushed into the women’s room, about what could result. She feels bad regardless.

First things first. She unbuttons her suit jacket, then dress shirt, shrugs them both off and onto some decorated futon because of course someplace like this would have a practical sofa in their bathroom. Thus, exposing the tangled mess of twin sports bras that made up her makeshift binder, alongside her multitude of scars, some recent and old, nicks and gashes, a horrific burn on her left bicep that went near all the way up the arm. 

“Could you...help me with the upper bra?” Rei is still somewhat...inexperienced in the art of unclasping.

Asuka's leaning against the door adamantly staring at her feet in the little mirror straight ahead of her (why do they even have those in front of doors?) when Rei's voice shakes her from her thoughts. 

"Oh, sure." Asuka pushes herself off the door, hoping for the love of fuck that nobody opens it. Out of all the things they need right now, that is absolutely none of them. Her gaze lingers on the door for a moment longer as she turns the corner and--  _ Mein Gott. _

She knew the bodyguard biz was rough, but... seeing the extent of Rei's scars running along her back, her shoulders, her arms... it's a lot more than Asuka expected, and it makes her heart ache to see. 

But even so, the way Rei's muscles move beneath her skin betray a kind of strength Asuka can only dream of. 

_ Fuck, she's so beautiful... _

After a second, Asuka shakes herself back to her senses.  _ Right. The bra. The bra. _ Asuka marches up to Rei quickly, trying to avoid looking at anything except said garment. Of course, she fails miserably. Her fingers are on the bra, making a distant attempt to unlatch it, but her eyes wander to the burn mark on Rei's arm, the twisted up scar on the bottom half of one of her shoulder blades, counting them, memorizing them almost. Well, at least she'd  _ like _ to memorize them someday. 

_ Focus! _ Asuka mentally kicks herself for getting so off track, and she makes another attempt at pulling the cheap, shitty hooks apart (did Rei fucking hammer these back to shape or something?!). With some effort it comes apart, much to the relief of Asuka's poor soul, who probably couldn't handle another second of being that close without exploding. 

"There ya go!" Asuka quickly steps back, painfully aware of how long it took.  _ Scheisse. Hope that wasn't weird or anything. _ To be fair, the hooks were actually pretty damn hard to unlatch, but still...

Rei takes a deep breath, two, three, and smiles. She can breathe easy, now. She turns to Asuka, not wanting her to miss something that she's aware is oh-so-rare from herself. Rei's abs are dotted by something that isn't quite scars, but is confirmation of another thing; faint rashes and marks from not-quite-properly-applied hrt patches, and a fresh one stuck on there, off to the side but still noticeable. "...I will wash my hair out, now. Unless you would prefer I not.”

Rei's smile is brighter than the goddamn sun, Asuka thinks. She can't help but smile back, let the waves of warmth soar through her body.  _ Gott fucking damn it she's fucking gorgeous holy--  _

And any doubts Asuka might have had about Rei being trans are squashed. Asuka notices the HRT patch very quickly; that and the stuff Rei said before all lines up pretty nicely. And Rei doesn't seem to be making an effort to hide it from Asuka... though she hasn't directly said anything, so maybe she'd rather not say it flat out. Either way, Asuka gets the message loud and clear, like a damn choir of angels singing. Asuka coughs as she comprehends Rei's words. "Oh yeah, totally, go ahead! I can help you with that too-- if you want," Asuka adds hastily.  _ Scheisse. _ She's slipping up a lot today. No clue why.

“That....would be appreciated." Rei nods, touching her hair for a moment; it feels horrible, crusty, disgusting, grossly attached to her head. She's used to her hair being a nonentity, not a point of active misery. She turns to the sink, turns on the faucet, and kneels in front of it, letting the water run across her face and into some of her hair. It feels cool, freeing, loosening...but it's not reaching enough, and it is slow. She holds her hand out to Asuka, to take, to help her in this menial but meaningful task.

Asuka gets it; she nods and shuffles next to Rei, taking her hand and squeezing it gently. She lays her other hand in the mass of hair--  _ Eughh _ it's gross, hard in random places and just sticky enough to be uncomfortable. Rei's got some patience to have not been messing with it this whole time. 

"Damn. Just how much gel did you use?" Asuka mutters, half to herself, not really expecting an answer. Asuka cups some of the faucet water in her palms and brings it to the top of Rei's head. She repeats the action several times, ruffling and running her hands through Rei's hair in between, loosening the crust of the gel. "Is that any better?" Asuka asks. She could do it faster, probably, if she used both hands, but holding Rei's hand is infinitely better.

Rei nods slightly, relaxing, letting the water hold her down, into the blue again, same as it ever was... 

Slowly the gel loosens, and eventually Rei's hair just feels wet to the tough, loose, unsticky and uncrusted. Sopping wet, though. Her grip on Asuka's hand relaxes, then she squeezes, as if a prearranged signal despite the clear lack of one. "...improved.”

Asuka nods, using her fingers to gingerly "comb" Rei's hair as best she can. Rei's hair is looking like its natural state, though... wetter. The way it clings to Rei's face looks just a bit goofy. “I guess we can take a shower when we get home," Asuka laughs. "And when we're there I can show you how to apply your patches properly. Rashes are the fucking  _ worst.” _

Rei blinks. 

Of course Asuka saw them. 

Asuka got...the hint, then, of what they meant. 

And...and she knows how to apply them properly. 

Meaning she has applied them. 

Most likely to herself. run calculations, and it comes out to... oh.  _ Oh. _

Rei freezes and processes this. Asuka Langley Soryu...is  _ like her _ . “...They are,” she chooses to respond, then, “...Are you...?”

“Yup. trans. that's me." Asuka grins, more than a hint of pride coloring her voice. Though a couple years ago even the thought of coming out to someone would be absolutely  _ nerve-wracking _ \-- and, if she's honest, it still is-- the knowledge that Rei is trans too makes it easy to say. Rei wouldn't misunderstand or treat her differently or avoid her... she really, truly  _ understands, _ more than anybody else. There's nothing really left to question; Asuka has already put together the pieces Rei has given her. An unfathomable joy unravels in Asuka's chest as everything comes into view.  _ She's trans, too. Rei and I... we're like each other! _

A weight lifts off Rei's shoulders and she jumps to her feet, narrowly avoiding slamming her cranium into the faucethead but in turn splashing Asuka. "You are... I never guessed. I... I was not aware I knew anyone else." Her eyes are  _ starry _ , her smile returned, bright as an august moon. She realizes, though, that she should...probably get redressed.

Asuka scrunches her face up as water droplets hit her face. She rubs it out of her eye with one hand quickly and looks back up at Rei. "Me neither, honestly!"  _ I don't have a lot of friends, _ Asuka adds silently. Or, well... real ones, anyway. She can only think of two people who she ever really thought of as actually being her friends, one of which moved across the country years ago and another who barely even bothers to talk to her anymore, neither of which Asuka knows is trans. 

_ But that's changed. I've got Rei. _

"But hey, now we've got each other. That counts for something." Asuka beams at Rei, not able to control the butterflies in her stomach at the sight of Rei  _ smiling _ at her, a sight more precious than anything else the word can give, her eyes like little galaxies of their own...  _ wow. _ Asuka's not one to wax poetic, like, ever, but Rei is just... something completely out of this world. In a good way, of course, a way that makes Asuka's face flush and her heart race. She's not even sure she's kidding around when she calls Rei "Wonder Girl" anymore-- the nickname fits like a glove.

Rei is...similarly friendless, always has been. Asuka has for the past few months been the closest thing Rei's had to a friend, truly, the deepest connection she's made in her life. That wasn't saying much, but she wishes it was.

She allows herself to stare into Asuka's eyes for a few moments more, observe the blush on Asuka's cheeks, the deep blue oceans in her irises...then returns to priority and scoops up her dress shirt, buttoning it as swiftly and neatly as possible. Must keep up appearances, atleast the barest fabrication of them. Jacket too; the carnation Asuka granted her, miraculously, has remained uncrushed.

Asuka, forgetting how awkward it is to do so, watches. And if Rei looked good in a suit before, then now, with her hair as it should be, she's fucking  _ breathtaking. _ Asuka's poor heart can't take it. " _ Mein Gott _ ," she says under her breath without meaning to. She stiffens just a bit and continues louder, with the hopes that Rei didn't hear that, "Well, uh! The diner, right? Let's go!" Asuka loops her arm around Rei's, pulling her closer. They  _ are _ closer, in a sense, now that they've found something so important that they share. Maybe this night's not so shitty after all.

Rei nods. "The diner. Yes." She slicks her hair back, pushes the bathroom door open, and steps with Asuka into the gauntlet again. She resists the urge to close her eyes as the two head to the door, moving as fast as could be construed 'not quite running'. Her arm, linked with Asuka's, fastens as a chainlink, inseperable unless broken. 

The party blurs into a storm of eyes whirling around them, staring, wondering, interpreting. Rei feels seen, and she hates it.

Asuka's moving as fast as she can without making them both stick out like a sore thumb. Still, even with her eyes glued on the door she can tell they're getting stares. Asuka is so, so tempted to fix a glare at them, to shoot daggers with her eyes at the ones who hurt Rei, but that would make them more suspicious than they already are. Rei doesn't need that. instead she stares straight ahead towards her destination, not letting a single step falter or hesitate. she doesn't even bother letting Rei open the door for her like she's had to all night, she just does it herself. The door swings open, and Asuka continues with Rei on her arm towards... the general area of which they're parked. She doesn't remember. Even so, she doesn't hesitate, not even for a  _ second. _

Rei sticks to Asuka's side even when she realizes they are going the wrong way, tugs at her arm just slightly to guide her to their car. In the night, the noise of the party subsides, leaving eyes like daggers at their backs but their surroundings only crickets, the shifting of branches in the wind, the scurry of something underbrush, a distant siren calling them away, the sounds of endless traffic a warm hum in the afterthought. Rei wishes to sink into the night, but the firebrand by her side, the glorious light that is her Asuka, makes that impossible.

Asuka pulls her keys out of her bag and twirls them around on her finger once or twice. Once within a couple yards of the car-- a dark red thing, Asuka's pride and joy-- Asuka unlocks it and hears the chirp ring out into the night. she slowly pulls herself apart from Rei, looking over with a grin. "After you, Wonder Girl." The nickname flows out of Asuka's mouth, natural as breathing. 

Wonder Girl. That's who Rei is. Rei is  _ her Wonder Girl, _ her protector, her friend and confidant. Asuka wouldn't trade her for anything in the world.

The severed connection would sting, but it feels to Rei...decidedly not a goodbye. A relaxed move, a gesture of... 'we are safe enough, now, we need not be wound together.' Rei is happy to be by Asuka's side, in whatever capacity she can be. She opens the shotgun door and slides into her seat, cracking her neck to the side as she does. Her body feels stiff, tight-strung as a drum, and she needs,  _ god does she need _ to unwind.

Asuka slides into the driver's seat quickly afterwards, shoving her car keys into the ignition and turning it in a practiced and familiar motion. She takes a second to hook up her phone to the radio and looks for a good jam to start with.  _ Hmm... Drive-In Saturday? Souk Eye? Or maybe... mein gott i still have Linkin Park on here. _ After a minute or two of indecision, she tosses the phone into the cupholder. "I don't care. You can pick something if y'want. Or turn the radio on." She pulls out of their parking space a bit haphazardly and maneuvers through the lot onto the road. Luckily, she already knows the location well enough-- not too far away, maybe fifteen minutes.

Rei doesn't even look at the phone. She shrugs. Her knowledge of music is nigh nonexistent aside from some Panic At The Disco when she was younger. She stares out the window at the receding house, considers giving it the finger, and declares the effort not worth her time. Then, she turns her eyes on the nearby trees. are they the gate to some woods she has never been in, or just an addition to the property, something for status's sake? ...She recalls one band, though, that may be interesting... Rei picks up the phone and looks through the songs.  _ The Mute. _ Sounds...about right.


End file.
